notes from
the MUCK . . .

How does your garden grow? With muck, muck and more muck! I spent much of today finishing the final muck box and then shifting muck from one box to the next. The first box, which the Big Lad is enthusiastically pointing out, has been rotting down for two years now and once we’d removed the top quarter of unrotted material, we found we’d hit the pay dirt.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

How Not to Run for President

1. Paste the Confederate flag all over your car and home. Wear a Confederate flag lapel in your yearbook photo.

2. Hang a noose from a ficus tree in your law office. For added hilarity, later say that it was "more of a lasso."

3. Pose in a picture with members of the Council of Conservative Citizens, the next best thing to the actual KKK (CCC, get it?).

4. Claim that none of this is evidence of hatred, but just pride in your heritage.

5. Abuse and terrorize your sister growing up. If possible, have her write a book about it.

6. Single out the only brown person at your campaign rally and ridicule him as "macaca." Claim that you made the word up on the spot, even though it's a French racial slur and your mother is French Tunisian. Just to drive the point home, call the brown guy "macaca" again, and welcome him to America and the real world of Virginia. Make sure the guy is holding a video camera.

7. When rumors surface that your maternal grandfather was Jewish, react angrily and accuse anyone who brings the subject up of "making aspersions" about your family. Indignantly claim that your mother was, as far as you know, raised Christian.

8. Have your mother grant an interview in which she states that a month before you claimed that as far as you knew she was raised Christian, she told you in response to your question about it that she was raised as a Jew. Having exposed you as a liar, have her add that after she told you this, she bizarrely said "Now you don't love me anymore."

There. Now you will never be President.

Labels: , ,