I'm going to watch a football game today, in about five minutes to be precise. I'm not usually a big football fan (this is real football, American
football, I'm talking about here -- no offense, Ben), but it's the playoffs and what the hell. However, watching this game will put me in a quandary because the teams playing -- the Indianapolis Colts and the Baltimore Ravens -- are two teams that I loathe.
Most of you know that I'm a Clevelander, and some of you probably know that the Baltimore Ravens used to be the Cleveland Browns until monumental douchebag Art Modell traitorously moved the team out of Cleveland after making a secret deal with Baltimore. As you might imagine, the city of Cleveland was pretty well devestated. At the time, I was a pretty big football fan, and I've really never gone back to the game. The Ravens, naturally, went on to win the Super Bowl in their fifth season, something that the Browns haven't done in my lifetime. All of which explains why I can't stand the Ravens, and would ordinarily be thrilled to see them lose in the playoffs to the Indianapolis Colts, the team that appropriately enough used to be the Baltimore Colts until equally monumental douchebag Robert Irsay moved them to Indianapolis in the dead of night, much as the Browns would later defect from Cleveland. The poetic justice quotient is high in this match-up, and I'd really like to see the Ravens lose.
On the other hand, the quarterback for the Colts is Peyton Manning, considered by many to be the best quarterback in the game, and by some to be among the best quarterbacks of all time. The problem? According to OpenSecrets.org, Peyton Manning is a cocksucker
. And not the good kind of cocksucker who merely sucks cocks. No, Manning is the kind of cocksucker that aids and abets needless wars and torture. For that reason, I'd really like to see the Colts lose.
So do I root for the team that broke my heart and basically ruined football for me, or do I root for the guy who helped shame and embarrass my country? Am I a better Clevelander or American? Or is there some way for them both to be humiliated?
Labels: cleveland, douchebags, real football