notes from
the MUCK . . .

How does your garden grow? With muck, muck and more muck! I spent much of today finishing the final muck box and then shifting muck from one box to the next. The first box, which the Big Lad is enthusiastically pointing out, has been rotting down for two years now and once we’d removed the top quarter of unrotted material, we found we’d hit the pay dirt.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Your Valentine's Day Guide To Safer Sex

According to this article, there are ten questions you need answers to before you sleep with a new partner. Perhaps a short screenplay will help to illustrate the proper way to communicate with a potential lover.

INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT

JACK and DIANE, both in their mid-20s, stumble through the door, making out furiously as they collapse on the bed in a passionate embrace. Diane takes off her coat. Jack takes off his scarf. Diane takes off her sweater and gloves. Jack removes his own sweater and gloves. Diane struggles to remove her boots, and finally manages to to do after some assistance from Jack. Jack tries to kick off his shoes, but the left one won't come off all the way, so he has to bend over to untie it. He's a little drunk, so it kinda seems like he's angry when he throws the shoe against the wall.

DIANE: What's the matter, are you angry?
JACK: No, I just couldn't get my shoe off.

They continue to make out. Then Diane takes off her shirt, before ripping the buttons off of Jack's shirt.

JACK: Whoa, whoa, whoa, I like this shirt. Why didn't you just unbutton it?
DIANA: I don't know, I was trying to be sexy.
JACK: Well don't try that hard, geez.
DIANA: Sorry.
JACK: It's OK, let's just continue to make out.

They continue to make out. Then Jack stops her.

DIANE: What's wrong now?
JACK: Nothing, it's just that we just met tonight and I...I just need to ask you something.
DIANE: OK, sure. What's on your mind?
JACK: Number one - Are you HIV positive?
DIANE: (chuckles) No, no I'm not. Jesus, are you?
JACK: I tested negative six months ago, and then last week.
DIANE: Sounds good enough to me.

They kiss, and again Jack stops her.

JACK: I'm sorry, I just need to ask you a few more things.
DIANE: (sighs) Like what?
JACK: Like, number eight - are you allergic to latex?
DIANE: No, I'm not allergic to condoms. But thank you for asking. Is there anything else?
JACK: Yes, actually. Number five - if you have been diagnosed with herpes or genital warts, are you having outbreaks? Are you being treated?
DIANE: Jack this is getting old. What do you think, I'm some sort of dirty tramp or something?
JACK: No, no. I'm just being careful.I read this article once that said I need to find out all this stuff before I sleep with someone.
DIANE: Well, I think that's not a bad idea. By the way, how about number ten - which sexual activities do you want to engage in?
JACK: That's a good question, Diane. I'm stealing wireless from my neighbor; let's go online and do some research.
DIANE: You got it, buddy.

Jack goes to get his computer, and Diane passes out before he gets back.

Jack finds her asleep on the floor, shrugs, and opens his laptop. He opens Internet Explorer and types in "notesfromthemuck.blogspot.com."

JACK: (to himself) This site is better than es-ee-ex anyway. Except for when nobody posts anything for awhile and Jeff, the village idiot, convinces himself that he shouldn't delete a post just because he spent so much time on it.

THE END (of my dignity)